Friday 25 th I was in my grandmother's funeral, she ws my father's mam. Most of my relatives I haven't seen in many years, like my father's oldest sister, my cousin's family, my father and his new family etc.
In funeral I met my latest "stepmam". She's about 5 years younger than me. And they have 2 children's, girls. 2 and ½ years old and other is about 12 moths, tops 18 months. So how old was she, when she met my father first time? And my father is 59 years old.
MY father look at me like "who is that?", his new wife look at me like I would compete my father's attention. And I look at her like don't worry. You can keep him. This might sound harsh but there I finally understond that they are from my past, where I don't belong to. I belong to the future. But I think that in some point she finally understond who I was. I think my father told her because her expression was amazed and after that she didn't look at me anymore. Nor did my father.
I can't live my life looking back all the time. I can't turn my back to my future and look back. I has to look to my future and turn my back to the past. In my father family that is the only way to live. Look back all the time and don't look to the future.
In my grandmam's funeral I realised why I love the man I love. I love him all those reason's I have written before but also because he is from my world, academic world, from the future not from the past. I choose to live in future (or today-life) not in my past.
And I saw good an example what I has to remember NOT to do when and if I have husband and children's. I will never use violence against to my children, I try to be the best wife ever. And front of my husband's family, I try to speek with them. But that's not present at the moment. This something I has to remember if I have family some day.
